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This song lyric is the voice of my mother. It is the loss she felt knowing she wounded me — her child emotionally. The child can no longer trust her. I disconnected from her. It is the voice of her loss, guilt, and remorse. The sound of grief. Longing for yesterday.

ALL I WANT

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
‘Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I’m sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I’ll find somebody like you

Oh oh

So you brought out the best of me
A part of me I’ve never seen
You took my soul and wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens

But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I’ll find somebody

Oh

If you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I’ll find somebody like you

Oh

Dear Julie the Wounded-

Thanks for stepping into it — the pain and ugly. Of course, you’re sensitive. I couldn’t stand you if you weren’t. I love that part of you.

As we approach our pain and discomfort, we heal. We don’t have to choke on it. We can take it in bite-size chunks. This video poem made me weep. That is a good sign. I connected with emotions I buried ages ago. I found new insight.

Long ago, as a child, I disconnected from my mother to survive emotionally. That was difficult. Not only did she abandon me. But I abandoned her.

I never grieved that or mourned enough that tragic event. I wasn’t aware. I was too panicked about survival. It’s time.

Discomfort tells us something about what’s inside of us. I’ve been waiting and watching for your day of discovery when you feel desperate enough to reach out to me. Not as a fellow victim — but as a healing companion on a common journey.

I don’t want to push you over the cliff of pain. But I do want to be there to catch you.

When that day comes, I’ll be ready. Why? Because I am attentive enough to see it coming. Maybe not today — but someday.

You’d rather delay as long as possible with avoidance and distraction. That is OK. I was that way for over 60 years. I get it.

I am tired of pain, too. Often and a lot. It’s a common complaint of my INFJ and ENFJ friends: compassion fatigue. As an INFJ, I absorb peoples pain.

What helps me? Other INFJs — like you. You minister to me.

INFJ’s are human pain dialysis machines. We remove people’s emotional poison but retain it.

I am learning to not be overwhelmed by it. That is no easy task. In fact, it seems more of a miracle lately. We can tap into the Savior’s Atonement and give the pain to Him. How does that work? I don’t know. But I am discovering it –slowly. It has to do with faith and trust.

Does it leave us drained? Absolutely. The only reason it didn’t kill Jesus is because He is the Son of God.

I’m better than I was. I’m in therapy. Therapy can seem pretty costly and wasteful for a while and then you will breakthrough and have a healing insight. My poetry helps me in that discovery.

So one of the reasons I’m still alive is “you.” Yes. You! I accepted the assignment from God to minister to you years ago. It’s not only our pain that brings us together (trauma bonding) — it is the Hand of God.

Be well. Be kind to yourself. Thanks for writing.

-Steve

“Playmate, Come Out and Play With Me.”

There’s a catchy little tune a floatin’ through the air
You hear it here and there
They sing it every where
How it started, where it started
Seems nobody knows
But what’s the difference where it came from
Here’s the way it goes.

Oh playmate, come out and play with me
And bring your dollies three
Climb up my apple tree
Look down my rain barrel
Slide down my cellar door
And we’ll be jolly friends forever more.

It was a rainy day
She couldn’t come out to play
With tearful eyes and tender sighs
I could hear her say.

I’m sorry playmate, I cannot play with you
My dollies have the flu
Boo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo
Can’t climb your rain barrel
Can’t slide down your cellar door
But we’ll be jolly friends forever more.

“Is this some sort of personality test?” I asked.

“Not really.”

“Is it an IQ test?” I said.

“For you? Probably,” she said with a grin.

“OK. What gives?” I asked.

“You’re supposed to write about this topic. Can you do it?”

“I suppose but you go first,” I said.

“Hmm? The hardest truth I learned about myself?” Ophelia mused, “I suppose that is the secret that I am a part of you that few know about.”

“What’s so difficult about that?” I said.

“Well, I get lonely,” Ophelia said.

“Lonely? What do you mean? We’re always together.”

“OK. I get bored then,” she said, smiling again.

“That wasn’t kind,” I said and scowled.

“But it is true and it is hard to realize I’m trapped inside your head. … For eternity,” Ophelia said.

“Hmm? Putting it that way. Yeah that would be a difficult thing to learn about yourself. Trapped.”

“Your turn,” She said.

“Sister. I hate these kind of games,” I said.

“It’s not a game. It’s a challenge,” She said.

“OK. The hardest thing I learned about myself. I suppose was when I lost you,” I said.

“You can’t lose me. I’m part of you.”

“I lost you when I lost my mind,” I said.

She nodded.

“I see what you mean. Why was that the hardest?” she asked.

“Because I missed you. I was lonely,” I said.

“You can’t choose that word. Lonely is what I chose. You would’ve been bored if you were with me. Promise. Count your blessings.”

“You don’t know what it was like. All alone. Abandoned.”

“Yeah. I guess I never realized I was important enough to cause you pain.”

“You are.”

“Why?”

“I had no one to play with me.”

“Oh,” and then she was quiet for a long time.

A tear rolled from my eye. Not a sad tear. A happy one.

We both smiled at each other.

Then she asked:

“Can you come out and play — now?”

Lyrics

1. 1. I’m trying to be like Jesus; I’m following in his ways. I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say. At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice, But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,

[Chorus]

“Love one another as Jesus loves you.

Try to show kindness in all that you do.

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,

For these are the things Jesus taught.”

2. I’m trying to love my neighbor;

I’m learning to serve my friends.

I watch for the day of gladness when Jesus will come again.

I try to remember the lessons he taught.

Then the Holy Spirit enters into my thoughts, saying:

“Love one another as Jesus loves you.

Try to show kindness in all that you do.

Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,

For these are the things Jesus taught.”