This song lyric is the voice of my mother. It is the loss she felt knowing she wounded me — her child emotionally. The child can no longer trust her. I disconnected from her. It is the voice of her loss, guilt, and remorse. The sound of grief. Longing for yesterday.
ALL I WANT
All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
‘Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I’m sure
When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side
But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I’ll find somebody like you
Oh oh
So you brought out the best of me
A part of me I’ve never seen
You took my soul and wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens
But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I’ll find somebody
Oh
If you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I’ll find somebody like you
Oh
Dear Julie the Wounded-
Thanks for stepping into it — the pain and ugly. Of course, you’re sensitive. I couldn’t stand you if you weren’t. I love that part of you.
As we approach our pain and discomfort, we heal. We don’t have to choke on it. We can take it in bite-size chunks. This video poem made me weep. That is a good sign. I connected with emotions I buried ages ago. I found new insight.
Long ago, as a child, I disconnected from my mother to survive emotionally. That was difficult. Not only did she abandon me. But I abandoned her.
I never grieved that or mourned enough that tragic event. I wasn’t aware. I was too panicked about survival. It’s time.
Discomfort tells us something about what’s inside of us. I’ve been waiting and watching for your day of discovery when you feel desperate enough to reach out to me. Not as a fellow victim — but as a healing companion on a common journey.
I don’t want to push you over the cliff of pain. But I do want to be there to catch you.
When that day comes, I’ll be ready. Why? Because I am attentive enough to see it coming. Maybe not today — but someday.
You’d rather delay as long as possible with avoidance and distraction. That is OK. I was that way for over 60 years. I get it.
I am tired of pain, too. Often and a lot. It’s a common complaint of my INFJ and ENFJ friends: compassion fatigue. As an INFJ, I absorb peoples pain.
What helps me? Other INFJs — like you. You minister to me.
INFJ’s are human pain dialysis machines. We remove people’s emotional poison but retain it.
I am learning to not be overwhelmed by it. That is no easy task. In fact, it seems more of a miracle lately. We can tap into the Savior’s Atonement and give the pain to Him. How does that work? I don’t know. But I am discovering it –slowly. It has to do with faith and trust.
Does it leave us drained? Absolutely. The only reason it didn’t kill Jesus is because He is the Son of God.
I’m better than I was. I’m in therapy. Therapy can seem pretty costly and wasteful for a while and then you will breakthrough and have a healing insight. My poetry helps me in that discovery.
So one of the reasons I’m still alive is “you.” Yes. You! I accepted the assignment from God to minister to you years ago. It’s not only our pain that brings us together (trauma bonding) — it is the Hand of God.
Be well. Be kind to yourself. Thanks for writing.
-Steve
