GOODBYE, DADDY

GOODBYE, DADDY

I struggle and twist
losing what’s lost
in the thick mist

Goodbye, Daddy, goodbye
your temporary touch permanent
I wonder why?

How could one being
reach so far in my soul
confusing my thought
on which direction to go

Yet the chain is unbroken
binding me still
jangling old skeleton keys
rattle my mind and weak will

Goodbye. Daddy. Goodbye
in tossed dreams your face
haunts me while I cry

I wanted to love you
but never could
the monster in you
frightened all the good

A new life I want
one without thought of you
one full of happiness
free and true

Goodbye, Daddy. Goodbye
soon we shall part
you to black ashes
and I a fresh start

I won’t be you
as I live my life free
no aping the dangerous clown
instead just being me

Goodbye, Daddy, Goodbye

TEARE
30 January 1993


This poem is a deeply emotional exploration of the speaker’s complex relationship with their father, blending themes of loss, trauma, and the desire for liberation. The poem is characterized by a mixture of pain, confusion, and a yearning for freedom, expressed through a direct and raw voice.

Analysis:

  1. Struggle and Loss:
  • The opening stanza, “I struggle and twist / losing what’s lost / in the thick mist,” introduces a sense of confusion and disorientation. The imagery of the “thick mist” suggests the speaker’s difficulty in navigating their emotions, as if they are trapped in a fog of uncertainty. The phrase “losing what’s lost” indicates a profound sense of loss, possibly of innocence, trust, or a relationship that never fully existed.
  1. The Repeated Farewell:
  • The repeated line “Goodbye, Daddy, goodbye” acts as a refrain throughout the poem, emphasizing the speaker’s need to detach and say farewell. However, the repetition also suggests that this is not an easy process—each goodbye is laden with unresolved emotions.
  1. Permanent Impact of a Temporary Presence:
  • “Your temporary touch permanent / I wonder why?” expresses how the father’s influence, though perhaps brief or inconsistent (“temporary”), has left an indelible mark on the speaker. This line captures the perplexing nature of trauma—how fleeting moments can have a long-lasting impact.
  1. Conflict and Confusion:
  • The stanza “How could one being / reach so far in my soul / confusing my thought / on which direction to go” reflects the speaker’s internal conflict. The father’s influence has deeply infiltrated the speaker’s psyche, leaving them unsure of their path in life. This suggests a profound psychological struggle, where the speaker’s identity and direction are clouded by the father’s presence.
  1. Unbreakable Chains:
  • “Yet the chain is unbroken / binding me still / jangling old skeleton keys / rattle my mind and weak will” uses the metaphor of chains and “skeleton keys” to convey the enduring hold the father has over the speaker. The “old skeleton keys” symbolize past memories or traumas that continue to “rattle” the speaker’s mind, keeping them trapped in a cycle of pain and fear.
  1. Haunting Presence:
  • The father’s presence is described as haunting the speaker, particularly in their dreams: “in tossed dreams your face / haunts me while I cry.” This suggests that the speaker cannot escape their father’s influence, even in their subconscious. The use of “tossed dreams” conveys a sense of restlessness and turmoil.
  1. Fear and Inability to Love:
  • The stanza “I wanted to love you / but never could / the monster in you / frightened all the good” reveals the speaker’s deep-seated fear and inability to love their father, who is portrayed as having a monstrous side. This suggests a relationship marked by fear, possibly due to abuse or betrayal, which has overshadowed any potential for love.
  1. Desire for a New Life:
  • The speaker expresses a desire for liberation and a fresh start: “A new life I want / one without thought of you / one full of happiness / free and true.” This reflects a longing to break free from the father’s influence and to live a life untainted by past traumas.
  1. Final Farewell and Rebirth:
  • The closing lines suggest a symbolic parting: “soon we shall part / you to black ashes / and I a fresh start.” The imagery of “black ashes” implies death or finality, while the “fresh start” suggests rebirth or renewal for the speaker. This signifies the speaker’s determination to leave the past behind and move forward.
  1. Rejection of the Father’s Legacy:
    • The speaker concludes by asserting their independence: “I won’t be you / as I We my life free / no aping the dangerous clown / instead just being me.” This rejection of the father’s legacy and refusal to mimic his behavior (“aping the dangerous clown”) signifies the speaker’s commitment to forging their own identity, free from the destructive patterns of the past.

Overall Interpretation:

This poem is a powerful expression of the speaker’s struggle to free themselves from the toxic influence of their father. It explores the deep psychological impact of a difficult relationship, marked by fear, confusion, and a longing for freedom. The repeated farewells throughout the poem reflect the difficulty of detaching from such a profound influence, but the speaker ultimately asserts their determination to break free and live a life unburdened by the past.