TAUNT

Taunt
8-21-24

A taste, a smell, and a living memory.

I sit at the cafe and as I take a bite.

I hear a scream and see what used to be.

Tears sting my eyes as my mind fights.

Sadly, this has become my common ground.

Smells and sounds seem to be what gets to me lately

Anything can remind me of those days abound.

I’m here living, but I do it as fakery.

I jump and sneak about.

Disappearing into shadows when I hear that voice yell.

All these voices fill my aching head with doubt.

But very few people will I tell.

I’ll listen as my spark fades away.

The confidant and the therapist friend.

So I could never tell you, I want my life to end.

Because then you might see me as lesser than.

It brings me to the floor as my hands and knees bleed.

I’m tossed in every which way.

As I beg and I plead.

But the pain, is what I fear I need.

I’ve ran for so long, my shins began to break.

And I realized, as long as I run it will always stay.

So I stand, seeing the gore my emotions and memories make.

And I fear that everything is at stake.

I’m entirely unsure if I can begin to grasp.

How deeply this all has affected me.

And if I’ll forever be haunted by my past.

***

This poem, titled Taunt and dated 8-21-24, is a poignant exploration of trauma, memory, and the struggle with mental health. The poem’s speaker conveys a deep sense of despair, grappling with painful memories that are triggered by sensory experiences. Here’s a closer analysis:

Structure and Tone

The poem is written in free verse, with no consistent rhyme scheme or meter, which mirrors the chaotic and unpredictable nature of the speaker’s emotions. The tone is raw and confessional, filled with despair, fear, and a sense of entrapment.

Themes

  1. Trauma and Memory:
  • The poem opens with the lines “A taste, a smell, and a living memory,” immediately establishing the connection between sensory triggers and traumatic memories. These memories are inescapable, as simple experiences like eating at a café can evoke painful recollections (“I hear a scream and see what used to be”).
  • The phrase “what used to be” suggests that the speaker is haunted by a past that was once different, perhaps happier or safer, but now only brings pain.
  1. Mental Health and Isolation:
  • The speaker describes how “smells and sounds” bring back memories that make it difficult for them to function normally (“I’m here living, but I do it as fakery”). This suggests a struggle with maintaining a facade of normalcy while battling internal demons.
  • The poem also touches on the loneliness that often accompanies mental health struggles. The speaker confides in only a few people, including “the confidant and the therapist friend,” indicating that they find it hard to open up about their pain.
  1. Self-Perception and Shame:
  • There’s a recurring theme of shame and fear of judgment, particularly in the lines, “So I could never tell you, I want my life to end. Bc then you might see me as lesser than.” The speaker fears that revealing the depth of their suffering would make others view them as weak or inadequate.
  1. Pain as a Necessity:
  • The line “But the pain, is what I fear I need” is particularly striking, suggesting that the speaker has become so accustomed to suffering that they fear living without it. Pain has become a familiar companion, something they might even rely on to feel alive.
  1. The Futility of Escape:
  • The imagery of running until one’s “shins began to break” reflects the futile attempts to escape from these memories and emotions. The realization that “as long as I run it will always stay” conveys a sense of resignation, as the speaker acknowledges that running away only prolongs the suffering.
  1. Uncertainty and Fear of the Future:
  • The closing lines express uncertainty about the future: “I’m entirely unsure if I can begin to grasp. How deeply this all has affected me. And if I’ll forever be haunted by my past.” This suggests that the speaker is still in the midst of their struggle, unsure if they will ever find peace or if they will remain trapped by their past.

Imagery and Language

  • Visceral Imagery: The poem uses vivid and often violent imagery, such as “my hands and knees bleed,” “gore my emotions and memories make,” and “my shins began to break,” to convey the physical and emotional toll of the speaker’s experiences.
  • Internal Conflict: The language reflects an intense internal conflict, with phrases like “my mind fights,” “aching head,” and “doubt” illustrating the speaker’s battle with their own thoughts and feelings.

Conclusion

Taunt is a powerful expression of the speaker’s struggle with trauma and mental health. The poem captures the overwhelming nature of living with painful memories, the isolation that can come from mental illness, and the fear that these experiences will define the rest of their life. The raw emotion and vivid imagery make it a compelling piece that resonates with the themes of pain, memory, and the search for peace.