Braver
In a Tub
In a Tub
by Amy Hempel
My heart — I thought it stopped. So I got in my car and headed for God. I passed two churches with cars parked in front. Then I stopped at the third because no one else had. It was early afternoon, the middle of the week. I chose a pew in the center of the rows. Episcopal or Methodist, it didn’t make any difference. It was as quiet as a church. I thought about the feeling of the long missed beat, and the tumble of the next ones as they rushed to fill the space. I sat there — in the high brace of quiet and stained glass — and I listened.
At the back of my house I can stand in the light from the sliding glass door and look out onto the deck. The deck is planted with marguerites and succulents in red clay pots. One of the pots is empty. It is shallow and broad, and filled with water like a birdbath.
My cat takes naps in the windowbox. Her gray chin is powdered with the iridescent dust from butterfly wings. If I tap on the glass, the cat will not look up. The sound that I make is not food. *** When I was a girl I sneaked out at night. I pressed myself to hedges and fitted the shadows of trees. I went to a construction site near the lake. I took a concrete-mixing tub, slid it to the shore, and sat down inside it like a saucer. I would push off from the sand with one stolen oar and float, hearing nothing, for hours.
*** The birdbath is shaped like that tub. *** I look at my nails in the harsh bathroom light. The scare will appear as a ripple at the base. It will take a couple of weeks to see.
I lock the door and run a tub of water. *** Most of the time you don’t really hear it. A pulse is a thing that you feel. Even if you are somewhat quiet. Sometimes you hear it through the pillow at night. But I know that there is a place where you can hear it even better than that. Here is what you do. You ease yourself into a tub of water, you ease yourself down. You lie back and wait for the ripples to smooth away. Then you take a deep breath, and slide your head under, and listen for the playfulness of your heart.
Bath Tub
Miracle
I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream
Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in
And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in
Total
Bad Liar Lyrics
Oh, hush, my dear, it’s been a difficult year
And terrors don’t prey on innocent victims
Trust me, darlin’, trust me darlin’
It’s been a loveless year
I’m a man of three fears:
Integrity, faith, and crocodile tears
Trust me, darlin’, trust me, darlin’
So look me in the eyes (Eyes), tell me what you see (You see)
Perfect paradise (—Dise), tearin’ at the seams (Seams)
I wish I could escape it (Escape), I don’t wanna fake it
Wish I could erase it (Erase), make your heart believe
But I’m a bad liar, bad liar
Now you know, now you know
I’m a bad liar, bad liar
Now you know, you’re free to go
Did all my dreams never mean one thing?
Does happiness lie in a diamond ring?
Oh, I’ve been askin’ for—
Oh, I’ve been askin’ for problems, problems, problems
I wage my war, on the world inside
I take my gun to the enemy’s side
Oh, I’ve been askin’ for— (Trust me, darlin’)
Oh, I’ve been askin’ for (Trust me, darlin’) problems, problems, problems
So look me in the eyes (Eyes), tell me what you see (You see)
Perfect paradise (—Dise), tearin’ at the seams (Seams)
I wish I could escape it (Escape), I don’t wanna fake it
Wish I could erase it (Erase), make your heart believe
But I’m a bad liar, bad liar
Now you know, now you know
I’m a bad liar, bad liar
Now you know, you’re free to go
I can’t breathe, I can’t be
I can’t be what you want me to be
Believe me, this one time
Believe me
I’m a bad liar, bad liar
Now you know, now you know
I’m a bad liar, bad liar
Now you know, you’re free to go
Oh-oh-oh
Please believe me
Please believe me
Boss
Lonely
Eleanor Rigby Lyrics
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby
Picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window
Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?Father McKenzie
Writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near
Look at him working
Darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people
Eleanor Rigby
Died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie
Wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved
All the lonely people (ah, look at all the lonely people)
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people (ah, look at all the lonely people)
Where do they all belong?
The video “Lonely” is made up of covers of the Beatles “Eleanor Rigby.” They include a piano intro, a heavy metal outro, and an interesting cover main soundtrack by Dirt Poor Robins. I extracted audio (called a stem) from Paul McCarthy’s original vocal and repeatedly used it on top of other music. It’s discordant but the repetition gives a unifying element through the parts in different keys. And some parts feel like a round.
The video portion was made of 36 clock clips and 19 crowd clips. The clocks are superimposed with transparency on top of the crowds.
I’ve attached a screen shot so you can visualize the “build.”
If I was to rebuild it, I’d make it shorter in length (like 4 to 5 minutes). And where the music changes dramatically, I’d synchronize with video changes.
Blue2
“Mr. Blue Sky”
Morning! Today’s forecast calls for blue skies
Sun is shining in the sky
There ain’t a cloud in sight
It’s stopped raining
Everybody’s in the play
And don’t you know
It’s a beautiful new day
Hey ay ay!
Runnin’ down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly
In the city
On the streets where once was pity
Mr. Blue
Sky is living here today
Hey ay ay!
Mr. Blue Sky
Please tell us why
You had to hide away
For so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Mr. Blue Sky
Please tell us why
You had to hide away
For so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race
A celebration
Mr. Blue Sky’s up there waitin’
And today
Is the day we’ve waited for
Ooorrr
Oh, Mr. Blue Sky
Please tell us why
You had to hide away
For so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there Mr. Blue
We’re so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Everybody smiles at you
Hey there Mr. Blue
We’re so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Everybody smiles at you
Mister Blue Sky!
Mister Blue Sky
Mister Blue Sky-yiy!
Mr. Blue you did it right
But soon comes Mr. Night
Creeping over
Now his hand is on your shoulder
Never mind
I’ll remember you this
I’ll remember you this way!
Mr. Blue Sky
Please tell us why
You had to hide away
For so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there Mr. Blue (Sky)
We’re so pleased to be with you (Sky)
Look around see what you do (Blue)
Everybody smiles at you
[Instrumental]
[Choir singing]
[Robotic voice:]
Please. Turn. Me. Ov-er
Liar Remake
Any kind of decoy seen in a dream denotes the deceit of someone for whom you have had affection.
Affectionate feelings and expressions are not always congruent.
Individuals express inauthentic affectionate messages, potentially as a means to mask inappropriate feelings.
Most individuals do communicate inauthentic affectionate messages in close relationships.
Successfully communicating deception is important to avoid hurting partners. It’s a functional way to minimally keep the peace and “do no harm.”
Affection related deception is a common potential risk for communicators.
The reasons for deceptive communication include: protecting the partners’ feelings, preventing damage to the relationship and increasing or avoiding damage to the partners’ self esteem.
Affectionate messages increase chances for survival because
they contribute to the “development and maintenance of human pair bonds.”
A deceptive affectionate message involves the intentional communication of a positive message in which the intensity of the feeling communicated is greater than that which is genuinely felt by the sender.
Individuals may find themselves making an evaluation of the potential hazard of communicating their true feelings versus communicating a deceptive affectionate message. A retention tactic to keep a relationship engaged.
Deceptive affectionate messages help us better understand how they’re used as both functional and dysfunctional relationships.
“A deceptive affectionate message occurs when you actively communicate affection to your partner that you are not genuinely feeling.”
Disingenuous terms of endearment. “Don’t Call Me Dear.’
Letter to Jade
Jade-
Thanks for watching and analyzing the “Decoy” video.
Thanks, also, for your comments and thoughts. Good stuff. Really helped wring the truth out of me. Serious!
On 9/29/21 8:09 AM, Jade Rawlings wrote:
it kind of sounds like reckless optimism: peace at all costs.
Yeah. Maybe? But what about conformity and nonconformity to standards of conduct. For example, my son, Derik, has a great job working at UPS in Florida at a hub. He has worked for them as a mechanic keeping their distribution centers running. He has made great pay with great benefits. But they are requiring mandatory Covid vaccination.
He and his family refuse to get vaccinated because they believe it is a violation of their civil liberties. So his plan is being fired and suing the UPS corporation for “wrongful termination.”
That reputation is not going to help him find another job. Few people will touch him in the future for being so arrogant and insubordinate.
But Big Brother isn’t going to tell him how to live his life.
What is the moral to this story?
I see that I am idiotically the same.
I’m defiant and arrogant — and have a history of rebellious discontent. It doesn’t make you a good employee. You always see yourself as the victim. You are dripping with contempt (or at least that is my normal). Always ready for a fight. Just knock that chip off my shoulder.
What does this have to do with decoy language?
Not communicating decoy language (being honest) is an act of war. It’s self-defeating behavior. Nobody wins. Play along. Don’t make waves.
Sometimes, I need to tell people what they want to hear — and not what I think they “need” to hear.
By the way, all this “noise” and the “Decoy” video is based on a dream I had where I was sending out decoys disguised like me from my home to lead people I distrusted away to a places where I wasn’t. Safety was the goal. Not luring them to their destruction
I see the dream as a message from God to save my butt.
My PagePipe business essentially died 3 months ago. It was a thriving business for years previous. I blame it on a lot of things. But one thing is for certain, I wasn’t going to cave into Google’s insistence of testing for three lame tedious parameters they claim affect user experience. They are spouting false dogma. It makes no difference in making a site better.
When did they start the new rules? 3 months ago. Hmm? What a coincidence.
It doesn’t matter that I am right and they are wrong. They make the rules. They control the internet. Of my own choice and volition, I am as much out of a job as my arrogant son soon will be. He hates his boss and the US government. I hate Google. It’s the same problem of stupidity and pride.
We will be pimples expressed on the face of history. Unremembered martyrs for lame causes.
He refuses to comply. I refuse to comply. Last act of defiance. Now I am paying for my non-conformance and self-righteous indignation. We both lose. The world changes, we don’t.
i dont know if im personally one to keep the peace but ive found in most trauma relationships there is always a person driven to stop confrontation even when necessary, i think it depends on how you deal with trauma, are you the hider, the one who crawls up into yourself to take up less space in self-destruct mode, or are you the fighter, the combustible, the outward forest fire destroying everything else?
Well, I actually am a fighter (like you) but you wouldn’t know it. Proof: I just killed my own business to fight and defend a lame cause. I should be getting on the gravy train. Instead business murder.
i think the way we manage our relationships have to do with the roles we played as children, and ultimately it comes down to how far is too far? is a white lie okay? do we pacify to keep the peace just because we are afraid?
Relationship management is what it really is. You want to play on the playground. Talk nice to the other kids or they will see you get squashed.
i think people who actively engage in deceptive affectionate messages are less trying to help the other person in the relationship and more trying to hide from any confrontation or attack. its them on the offense.
I feel technological conformity to Google whim is “deceptive affectionate messages.” Don’t make waves. I am unconventional and nonconformist. That means “I hate the Man.” Why? Because I was abused and someone is about to get a new anus ripped as payback.
Unfortunately, with that attitude, it is me who gets ripped. I made a bundle of cash off PagePipe in the last two years — and now — I make nothing. Nice. Shoot myself in the foot to prove they are wrong. Wow.
Who created all the market anxiety about speed? Google. Not me. I should be thanking them for being idiots –and providing for my living by their lunacy.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
all in all, i have been guilty of this before, as i get older i think i do this more often because i am tired of fighting all the time, i get tired of always being prepaired for an attack both physically and mentally, recently ive been less fight and more ‘shove it down’ to keep the peace. This is probably what I do, too. NOTE TO SELF: Stop being so extremely controversial (like my son the conspiracy theorist). “Shove it down” is the path of least resistance. You can still win and be in the game.
i consider myself chaotic good, i have a set of my own morals i abide by and a lie has been low on my list of no nos so i dont feel too bad pacifying a situation with deceptive affectionate messages.
Yeah. I remember “honesty” was your #24 value (last) on the VIA values test. 🙂
I need to appear to play along with Google dogma. So a decoy gets sent. I then appear to be conformist — but really I’m just trying to not get thrown out of the game for fouls.
As usual, thanks for making me think. You helped me sort out what my subconscious is telling me.
“Put my pride aside and play the game by their silly rules and make money.”
-Steve Teare
How did I get that out of your message? Subconscious guidance. there is no harm in Deceptive Acceptance with Google.
It’s a form of political compromise. Distasteful but necessary. It “feels” like living a lie or compromising values — it’s not that dramatic — it’s a survival tactic.
Love your brain. Genius Girl.
-Steve
PS- I got vaccinated long ago. And I’m going to get another Covid booster shot.
To dream that you are using a decoy, indicates your tendency to mislead people. Your conscious may be appearing in your dream to try an steer you back in the right direction. To dream that you are a decoy, represents self denial or self deception. You are trying to tell yourself to believe one thing, but really feel differently.
A decoy is usually a person, device, or event meant as a distraction, to hide what an individual or a group might be looking for. Decoys have been used for centuries most notably in game hunting, but also in wartime and in the committing or resolving of crimes.
Some common synonyms of decoy are entice, inveigle, lure, seduce, and tempt. While all these words mean “to lead astray from one’s true course,” decoy implies a luring into entrapment by artifice.
How decoys work
When consumers are faced with many alternatives, they often experience choice overload – what psychologist Barry Schwartz has termed the tyranny or paradox of choice. Multiple behavioral experiments have consistently demonstrated that greater choice complexity increases anxiety and hinders decision-making.
In an attempt to reduce this anxiety, consumers tend to simplify the process by selecting only a couple of criteria (say price and quantity) to determine the best value for money.
Through manipulating these key choice attributes, a decoy steers you in a particular direction while giving you the feeling you are making a rational, informed choice.
Drama
Crazy = Genius Lyrics
You can set yourself on fire (Hey!)
You can set yourself on fire,(Hey!)
She said, “At night, in my dreams
You dance on a tightrope of weird
Oh, but when I wake up
You’re so normal that you just disappear
You’re so straight like commuters
With briefcases towing the line
There’s no residue of a torturer
Inside of your eyes”
She said, “You’re just like Mike Love
But you wanna be Brian Wilson, Brian Wilson”
Said, “You’re just like Mike Love
But you’ll never be Brian Wilson”
And I said
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius
Then I’m a an arsonist (Hey!)
I’m a rocket scientist (Hey! Hey!)
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius…
You can set yourself on fire (Hey! Hey!)
But you’re never gonna burn, burn, burn (Hey! Hey!)
You can set yourself on fire (Hey! Hey!)
But you’re never gonna learn, learn, learn
(Hey!)
She said, “Darlin’, you know
How the wine plays tricks on my tongue
But you don’t seem to change
When you stuff all of your feelings with drugs”
Other boys you may have dated
Serrated your heart with a slice
But the cut of your love never hurts
Baby, it’s a sweet butter knife
She said, “You’re just like Mike Love
But you wanna be Brian Wilson, Brian Wilson”
Said, “You’re just like Mike Love
But you’ll never be Dennis Wilson”
And I said
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius
Then I’m a an arsonist (Hey!)
I’m a rocket scientist (Hey! Hey!)
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius…
You can set yourself on fire (Hey! Hey!)
But you’re never gonna burn, burn, burn (Hey! Hey!)
You can set yourself on fire (Hey! Hey!)
But you’re never gonna learn, learn, learn
(Hey!)
You can set yourself on fire (Hey!)
You can set yourself on fire (Hey!)
You can set yourself on fire (Hey!)
You can set yourself on fire
And I said
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius
Then I’m an arsonist (Hey!)
I’m a rocket scientist (Hey! Hey!)
(Hey! Hey!) If crazy equals genius…
You can set yourself on fire (Hey! Hey!)
But you’re never gonna burn, burn, burn (Hey! Hey!)
You can set yourself on fire (Hey! Hey!)
But you’re never gonna learn, learn, learn
(Hey!)
No Roots Lyrics
I like digging holes and hiding things inside them
When I grow old, I hope I won’t forget to find them
‘Cause I’ve got memories and travel like gypsies in the night
I build a home and wait for someone to tear it down
Then pack it up in boxes, head for the next town running
‘Cause I’ve got memories and travel like gypsies in the night
And a thousand times I’ve seen this road
A thousand times
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
I like standing still but that’s just a wishful plan
Ask me where I come from, I’ll say a different land
But I’ve got memories and travel like gypsies in the night
I count gates and numbers, then play the guessing game
It’s just the place that changes, the rest is still the same
But I’ve got memories and travel like gypsies in the night
And a thousand times I’ve seen this road
A thousand times
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
I like digging holes, hiding things inside them
When I grow old, I won’t forget to find them
I like digging holes, hiding things inside them
When I grow old, I won’t forget to find them
I’ve got no roots
No roots
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
But my home was never on the ground
I’ve got no roots
I’ve got no roots
(No!)