Blog roll

GOODBYE, DADDY

I struggle and twist
losing what’s lost
in the thick mist

Goodbye, Daddy, goodbye
your temporary touch permanent
I wonder why?

How could one being
reach so far in my soul
confusing my thought
on which direction to go

Yet the chain is unbroken
binding me still
jangling old skeleton keys
rattle my mind and weak will

Goodbye. Daddy. Goodbye
in tossed dreams your face
haunts me while I cry

I wanted to love you
but never could
the monster in you
frightened all the good

A new life I want
one without thought of you
one full of happiness
free and true

Goodbye, Daddy. Goodbye
soon we shall part
you to black ashes
and I a fresh start

I won’t be you
as I live my life free
no aping the dangerous clown
instead just being me

Goodbye, Daddy, Goodbye

TEARE
30 January 1993

---

This poem is a deeply emotional exploration of the speaker’s complex relationship with their father, blending themes of loss, trauma, and the desire for liberation. The poem is characterized by a mixture of pain, confusion, and a yearning for freedom, expressed through a direct and raw voice.

Analysis:

1. Struggle and Loss:

• The opening stanza, “I struggle and twist / losing what’s lost / in the thick mist,” introduces a sense of confusion and disorientation. The imagery of the “thick mist” suggests the speaker’s difficulty in navigating their emotions, as if they are trapped in a fog of uncertainty. The phrase “losing what’s lost” indicates a profound sense of loss, possibly of innocence, trust, or a relationship that never fully existed.

1. The Repeated Farewell:

• The repeated line “Goodbye, Daddy, goodbye” acts as a refrain throughout the poem, emphasizing the speaker’s need to detach and say farewell. However, the repetition also suggests that this is not an easy process—each goodbye is laden with unresolved emotions.

1. Permanent Impact of a Temporary Presence:

• “Your temporary touch permanent / I wonder why?” expresses how the father’s influence, though perhaps brief or inconsistent (“temporary”), has left an indelible mark on the speaker. This line captures the perplexing nature of trauma—how fleeting moments can have a long-lasting impact.

1. Conflict and Confusion:

• The stanza “How could one being / reach so far in my soul / confusing my thought / on which direction to go” reflects the speaker’s internal conflict. The father’s influence has deeply infiltrated the speaker’s psyche, leaving them unsure of their path in life. This suggests a profound psychological struggle, where the speaker’s identity and direction are clouded by the father’s presence.

1. Unbreakable Chains:

• “Yet the chain is unbroken / binding me still / jangling old skeleton keys / rattle my mind and weak will” uses the metaphor of chains and “skeleton keys” to convey the enduring hold the father has over the speaker. The “old skeleton keys” symbolize past memories or traumas that continue to “rattle” the speaker’s mind, keeping them trapped in a cycle of pain and fear.

1. Haunting Presence:

• The father’s presence is described as haunting the speaker, particularly in their dreams: “in tossed dreams your face / haunts me while I cry.” This suggests that the speaker cannot escape their father’s influence, even in their subconscious. The use of “tossed dreams” conveys a sense of restlessness and turmoil.

1. Fear and Inability to Love:

• The stanza “I wanted to love you / but never could / the monster in you / frightened all the good” reveals the speaker’s deep-seated fear and inability to love their father, who is portrayed as having a monstrous side. This suggests a relationship marked by fear, possibly due to abuse or betrayal, which has overshadowed any potential for love.

1. Desire for a New Life:

• The speaker expresses a desire for liberation and a fresh start: “A new life I want / one without thought of you / one full of happiness / free and true.” This reflects a longing to break free from the father’s influence and to live a life untainted by past traumas.

1. Final Farewell and Rebirth:

• The closing lines suggest a symbolic parting: “soon we shall part / you to black ashes / and I a fresh start.” The imagery of “black ashes” implies death or finality, while the “fresh start” suggests rebirth or renewal for the speaker. This signifies the speaker’s determination to leave the past behind and move forward.

1. Rejection of the Father’s Legacy:
   • The speaker concludes by asserting their independence: “I won’t be you / as I We my life free / no aping the dangerous clown / instead just being me.” This rejection of the father’s legacy and refusal to mimic his behavior (“aping the dangerous clown”) signifies the speaker’s commitment to forging their own identity, free from the destructive patterns of the past.

Overall Interpretation:

This poem is a powerful expression of the speaker’s struggle to free themselves from the toxic influence of their father. It explores the deep psychological impact of a difficult relationship, marked by fear, confusion, and a longing for freedom. The repeated farewells throughout the poem reflect the difficulty of detaching from such a profound influence, but the speaker ultimately asserts their determination to break free and live a life unburdened by the past.

---

Thundering, billowing
racing cloud of dust
shrouds pounding hooves.
the noon sun looks down
on earth’s wild horses.
parched, thirsty throats,
yet, the beasts race on.

what do they run from?
what do they seek?
or do they just run to run?
manes and tails tossing recklessly
in self-made breeze,
sweat rivulets coursing down
strong, lean backs,
and yet, they run.

how I yearn to be
an untamed mustang.
see me run.
tossing off the fastest,
breaking into the lead.
I breathe no one’s dust.
clear air fills my lungs,
adrenaline powers my limbs
as I race toward freedom.
I’m flying on the earth
a bird without wings.

the hot, pungent sage
stings my nostrils.
my unshod hooves
dance to a song
unheard by man.

if you could hear it,
the mustang song,
could you feel it?
could you breathe it?
would you dance,
unshod in the sand?
would the mustang song
pulse through your veins?
could you answer it’s call?

thundering, billowing
racing, cloud of dust
shrouds pounding hooves.
the noon sun looks down
on earth’s wild horses.
parched, thirsty throats,
yet, the beasts race on.

This poem captures the wild, unrestrained spirit of mustangs, symbolizing freedom, untamed energy, and the intrinsic desire to run. Here’s a deeper analysis:

Structure and Imagery:

• Repetition: The poem begins and ends with almost identical lines, creating a cyclical structure that mirrors the continuous, unending nature of the mustangs’ run. The repetition emphasizes the relentless and eternal energy of these wild horses.
• Vivid Imagery: The imagery in the poem is powerful, painting a picture of the mustangs racing across the landscape. Phrases like “Thundering, billowing,” “racing cloud of dust,” and “pounding hooves” evoke the sight, sound, and even the tactile experience of witnessing the wild horses in motion. The reader can almost feel the earth trembling under the horses’ hooves and the dust rising around them.

Themes:

1. Freedom and Wildness:

• The mustangs represent a pure form of freedom, unbound by human constraints. Their running isn’t driven by necessity (“what do they run from? what do they seek?”), but rather seems to be an expression of their innate wildness.
• The speaker’s yearning to be “an untamed mustang” reveals a deep desire for this kind of unrestrained freedom. The mustangs’ “self-made breeze” and the image of the speaker “flying on the earth, a bird without wings” further illustrate the exhilaration and liberation that comes from this wildness.

1. Connection to Nature:

• The poem highlights a deep connection to the natural world, seen in the sensory details like “hot, pungent sage” and “unshod hooves.” This connection is spiritual and primal, as evidenced by the reference to the “mustang song”—a metaphor for the raw, instinctual force that drives the horses and, by extension, all beings who yearn for freedom.
• The poet asks whether the reader could also hear, feel, and dance to this “mustang song,” inviting them to reconnect with the wildness within themselves.

1. Existential Reflection:

• The questions posed (“what do they run from? what do they seek? or do they just run to run?”) reflect an existential pondering about purpose and meaning. The mustangs’ running seems to symbolize the human search for purpose or the possibility that some actions are done simply for the sheer experience of doing them, without a need for further justification.
• The poem hints at a deeper philosophical inquiry about the nature of existence and the intrinsic value of freedom and self-expression.

Tone and Mood:

• Reverence and Admiration: The tone of the poem is one of admiration for the mustangs. The speaker reveres the wild horses for their strength, freedom, and beauty. This reverence is tinged with a yearning to embody the same qualities.
• Exhilaration: There is also a sense of exhilaration and vitality in the imagery of running and racing, creating a mood that is both intense and uplifting.

Symbolism:

• The Mustang: As a symbol, the mustang represents untamed freedom, raw power, and the spirit of the wilderness. In the context of the poem, it also symbolizes the speaker’s aspiration to break free from societal or self-imposed constraints.
• The Mustang Song: This symbolizes an inner, almost mystical call to freedom that is deeply embedded in nature and instinct, something that is beyond human comprehension but deeply felt.

Conclusion:

The poem is a celebration of wildness and freedom, both in nature and within the self. Through vivid imagery and reflective questions, it invites the reader to contemplate the nature of existence, the pursuit of freedom, and the primal forces that drive us all. The cyclical structure reinforces the idea that this yearning for freedom and the relentless drive to run is an eternal, unending part of life.

Tiny iridescent hummingbird
flitting through the air
fast searching for sugary nectar
each flower with some to share

let’s fly

Beyond the trees
beyond the clouds
beyond the highest stars

let’s fly

Dream pop is characterized by its ethereal soundscapes, lush instrumentation, and a sense of otherworldliness. The genre often uses reverb, delay, and soft vocals to create a floating, dreamlike atmosphere, which would align well with the lyrics’ exploration of transcendence and inner journeys.

into your dark universe
flitting in your mind so deep
that’s where we’ll go
where we’ll never sleep

let’s fly

don’t cry

let’s fly

we sigh

let’s fly

---

The lyrics you’ve provided have a poetic and metaphorical quality that can be interpreted in various ways. Here’s a breakdown and analysis of the themes and imagery:

First Verse

• “Tiny iridescent hummingbird”: The hummingbird represents something small yet vibrant, full of life and energy. Its iridescence suggests a beauty that is ever-changing, perhaps symbolizing fleeting moments of joy or inspiration.
• “Flitting through the air / fast searching for sugary nectar”: The hummingbird’s quick, purposeful movement emphasizes the pursuit of something sweet or fulfilling. This could be a metaphor for searching for happiness, love, or meaning in life.
• “Each flower with some to share”: The flowers may represent opportunities or experiences that offer nourishment or satisfaction. There’s an abundance implied, suggesting that what is sought after can be found if one looks carefully.

Chorus

• “Beyond the trees / beyond the clouds / beyond the highest stars”: This chorus expands the imagery from the earthly to the cosmic, suggesting a journey that transcends the physical world. It could symbolize a quest for something greater, whether it be spiritual enlightenment, escape from reality, or a desire to explore the unknown.
• “Let’s fly”: Repeated throughout, this phrase invites the listener (or the person being addressed in the song) to embark on this journey. It suggests freedom, escape, and the exhilarating feeling of breaking free from limitations.

Second Verse

• “Into your dark universe / flitting in your mind so deep”: This verse introduces a more introspective and possibly darker theme. The “dark universe” could represent the complexities, fears, or hidden parts of someone’s mind or soul. The use of “flitting” again ties back to the hummingbird, suggesting a delicate, careful exploration of these inner depths.
• “That’s where we’ll go / where we’ll never sleep”: This could signify a commitment to exploring these deep, possibly troubled areas of the psyche. The idea of never sleeping might indicate an endless journey or a state of being awake to the mysteries of the mind and soul.

Final Lines

• “Don’t cry”: This line suggests comfort, perhaps addressing the fears or sadness that might arise from the journey into the “dark universe.” It could also imply reassurance during a difficult process of self-exploration or facing one’s inner demons.
• “We sigh”: This could represent a moment of release, relief, or resignation. It might indicate the end of a struggle or the acceptance of something encountered during the journey.
• “Let’s fly”: Repeating this phrase at the end reinforces the idea of continuing the journey, despite any challenges or emotions faced along the way.

Overall Themes

• Exploration and Escape: The lyrics suggest a journey beyond the physical and into the emotional or spiritual realms. The hummingbird symbolizes a guide or a state of being that moves lightly through these realms, seeking beauty and understanding.
• Duality of Light and Dark: There’s a contrast between the bright, lively imagery of the first verse and the darker, more introspective tone of the second verse. This duality could reflect the balance between external experiences and internal struggles.
• Reassurance and Companionship: The repeated invitations to “fly” and the gentle command not to cry imply a supportive relationship, whether between two people or within oneself. There’s a sense of companionship in facing both the external and internal worlds.

The lyrics are rich in metaphor and emotion, evoking a journey that is both external and internal, filled with beauty, challenges, and the promise of discovery and transcendence.

---

Dream Pop

Dream pop is characterized by its ethereal soundscapes, lush instrumentation, and a sense of otherworldliness. The genre often uses reverb, delay, and soft vocals to create a floating, dreamlike atmosphere, which would align well with the lyrics’ exploration of transcendence and inner journeys.

Dream pop, ethereal soundscapes, lush instrumentation, otherworldliness, reverb, delay, soft vocals, floating, dreamlike atmosphere, transcendence, inner journeys

Splinter

Memories hazed over years of tragedy.

A shift itself in your brain chemistry.

The derangement that beckons me.

This is your life sentence to be.

Years left in solitude.

Displacement of the manic mood.

Stress will consume the ever raging mind.

The disorders will become justified.

Your split persona will be primed.

And your logic, here it dies.

The drive that cracks your morality.

Sanity will become the casualty.

Fight or flight, body becomes over heated.

Sweating and exhausted.

Senses can’t be trusted and are misleaded.

Blurry vision becomes distorted.

As the splinter drives through your brain.

Causing emotions to be frozen and frosted.

Defenses shut off to the sensation of pain.

Anguish thriving in the accosted.

The lines of deception are grey.

Mental state decreases night and day.

The brain so horribly splintered.

Causes strain and your life to hinder.

I feel as if the life I live is inadequate and undefined

The repeat of a ice cold scream that repeats throughout my mind

A pain I fear and cower from, but all the same I seek.

A pain deep inside me, a sorrow so bleak.

The pang of death within a mind, at times so bitter sweet.

But the death of those you love is something that stops your heartbeat.

When rage runs high and sorrows deep

When you realize the abyss of your mind runs steep.

When hands go cold, and emotions numb, and the body you inhabit shakes.

When a feeling Of relief, no matter the size is worth high stakes.

Bruised bone from a fist that hit a wall
Missing skin from that hand and it’s downfall.

And the purple and blue bone once again ignored despite its missing flesh.

Returns to writing papers, and fidgeting when bored or stressed.

I stop and wince at the memory

Of a young girl forcing scissors, into her extremities.

You hold yourself and scream “why would I do this to me?!”

And yet again when night falls, blood you will see.

You see the faces of those you knew, who left this red hued earth.

It leaves the soul shattered, wrecked on new turf.

I hide the memories of those I hate, but once loved

Hidden in the same place, where trauma forgotten was once beloved.

Despite others having my mind prearranged

I somehow manage to remain, forever unchanged.

Not so long ago
I was a man without a home
then I met you
I no longer felt alone.

Mind on Fire

into the deep we dove

mind on fire

it seemed we never rose

mind on fire

the flower that blooms in adversity

is the rarest flower of all.

When you heard my shout

you answered my call

mind on fire

we no longer felt alone

mind on fire

stand on the sand with me

mind on fire

look into the deep

mind on fire

see the secrets that we keep

mind on fire

Temperament
8-26-24

Star light and fire rains over the sky.
And the trees rustle with the breeze.
Those left to reveal and pry
Those that flow with ease.

Rustling and shaking as the winds pick up.
Flowers wilt and bend.
The revenging air and its gust.
Causes all forms of peace to end.

A shiver runs up the mountains spine
And the frogs hide in the depths of their pond

The terror will take what is yours and mine
And the deer will hide with their fawns

Rivers run fierce and flood
Those race and ever hurry
The sky turns red to deepened blood
Your innocence forever buried.

The land and its secrets remain masked.
And when flood ends fire will begin.
Defying the effects of water and past
The chaos they did intend

Hidden doors
8-20-24

Old wooden doors hide the Imagery

Of the very real torture and the imaginary

Of all my hearts pain and torment

And my intrusive thoughts that play every moment.

You’ll run through the halls searching for an exit

Hoping you’ll find some relief, a way to end it.

Behind each door you’ll see a monster darker than before

Each nightmare that you will abhor

And the anxiety you long to ignore

The madness that turns your depression manic

A pain so searing you can no longer stand it

The turmoil that leaves your heart drained

And your sense of self, ever strained

You’ll smile and scream in pain at the same time

And your personality you will never find

Fragmented Identity
8-22-24

There’s something no one talks about.
How much you remain on the “lookout”.
How even though the monsters are gone.
You remain chained to them, it’s pawn.

Any sound can remind you of the days
When fear sculpted you like clay.
Leaving you in intense emotional disarray
Feeling that sharp pain that lingers and stays.

Reaction time is never known
You’ll slowly lose your sense of self.
And no one will hear your cries for help.

Your sense of self is in survival
Dating back to the minds primal.
Now out of it confusion strikes.
Because now there isn’t a physical monster to fight.

Now your trapped in your own head.
Searching for something to put in its stead.
The concept of who you are,
Feels nothing more than your battle scars.

You’ll look in the mirror and not recognize yourself
The bodies toll, the decline of your health.
You go weak and shake, hating to realize
Identity was shattered to survive.

You contemplate who you really are
But all your answers will be subpar.
Because you learned to shift personality with the tide
And all of this, to survive.

Picking up the fragments
Of yourself and your talents.
Looking up and gazing at the stars
Agonizing over who you really are.

Shipwreck

Clank clank
Rings through the walls
Through that door and down the hall

I hear it too
I fear she’s through with her solitude

For a long time, she was behind that door, frozen

She pounds on the door, it’s about to reopen

The door has broken down
She slides quickly through the halls
Not wanting to be found

Their faces are grim
But she stands there smiling with her grin

As the waves thrash underneath the ship
She runs with footsteps that are heavy

But her warped mind, continuing ever-steady

Charging, daring her captors
They slowly fade to dust
All that’s left is the ship’s rank must

Somewhere along the grim lines of her insanity

Her captors were nothing more than the shadows of her past.

Her eyes gleamed, and she climbed up to the ship’s mast.

Days and nights the storm did rage

Her mind contorted like a wild animal trapped in a cage.

Until the ship crashed up on shore

Pulling herself up, wondering what was in store

Never again would she be caught in chains, not anymore.