Category: New Releases

Hilltop

What do you do when everything you were told was a lie?
Brainwashed till you no longer fought or tried.

Isolated, up on the top of that hill.
The lies you were told play in your mind still.

Convinced that the end of the world was near.
Captured in the paranoia that lives here.

Raised to fight and fend on my own.
Taught to believe this was the world I had known.

“We live on top of the mountain so we have an advantage.
They will come for us, ready for the kill.
Be prepared, we will snipe them off of the hill.”

It wasn’t madness, it was all I had ever known.
This is the environment from which I was grown.

Raised to throw a punch and see the sights on a gun.
Have the willpower to stand and not run.

Be prepared for a life-threatening circumstance.
Don’t succumb to any form of hindrance.

Be prepared for the world is at means,
“To come to all of this by the time you’re sixteen.”

Many will die and many will leave.
You have to stay strong no matter how much you bleed.

We will be prepared for this fight.
Just make sure to look for God’s light.

Then one day, everything changed.
I was taken out of the unruly and untamed.

Placed in a life, that all of you know.
In a life, where normal people did grow.

I looked around, silent and stunned.
Everything I knew, everything I had done.

I learned that people didn’t see their future with the barrel of a gun.
We were kids, meant to play and have fun.

To get an education, have some school pride.
Not contemplate how you might die.

Even years later I find myself still,
Contemplating the hell up on that hill.

And even now I have to try,
To remind myself that life is more than “survive”.

I often find that I struggle to see,
The meaning that life could have ahead of me.

I have to remind myself to be kind,
To find meaning in the new life, to try.

I sit on the floor and often contemplate,
How this all affected my mental state.

As slow realization hits me with it’s gravity,
Searching for what life is meant to be.

Back again
9-13-24

“Hello old friend, It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, without you I could finally smile.”

“I noticed that”, your sneering grin.
I’ve always had to pay for your sin.

“How you been? More trauma I see.
Even been told you might have PTSD.”

“What’s it to you?”, I say with with a sarcastic laugh.

“You’re always trying to wear that mask.”

“It works on nearly everyone but you”.

I think of everyone I’ve fooled, and their naive smiles too.

“So back again, to make me hate every existence of my being?”

“Oh yes. You know I live to make you question your life’s meaning.”

I grit my teeth, “do you ever have enough?”
“You know I’ll never get tired of this stuff.”

“I have even more amo against you.”

“And you’ll make me suffer over what is true.”

Taking a step forward, “you’ve finally learned.”

“You left scars, and they burned….”

“So now you’re also bipolar?
Just had it to your pathetic list of disorders.”

“Half of it is your fault, you believe it to be true.

As if it was your minds cue

Seeing shadows and figures that move in your head.”

You pout your lip, “are there also monsters under your bed?”

A sharp inhale, as I struggle to maintain my anger.

“You’ve always struggled with your behavior.”

You tisk with your demeaning way.

“That’s when your toxic traits come out to play.”

“You’ll never win.”
I force myself to say.

Cocking your head, “do you really believe this way?

You stumble, and sway every single day.”

“It’s your fault,
And you act like you don’t have a clue.”

You smile, studying your nails.
“Yes, this is indeed true.”

“Well let’s see,”
And you tap a figure to your temple.
“How many people have almost died again?
I hear it’s been decently plentiful.”

My eyes glaze over, becoming overwhelmed by grief.

My chest tightens with each heartbeat.

“Let’s see, well, your friend tried to hang herself.

Failing in her own mental health.

And you didn’t see it. It made your mind halt.

You think everyday, that it’s due to your fault.”

I stare at you, with no expression on my face.

“You really think you can hurt me more than my own mental state?”

“Almost lost your sister too, that made you cry till your eyes turned to sand paper.

Now that one was a real pain stapler.

And after years of fighting you ended up in a hospital.

How sad, how pitiful!”

“And another childhood mentor dead too.
Just add it to your griefs red hue.”

“I’ll never stop trying.”
I say filled with spite.
You cackle, “you’ve always been down for the fight.”

“Reach Out to Jesus”

[Verse 1]
When your heart is heavy, and the road seems long,
When the storms are raging, and you’ve lost your song,
Don’t be afraid, for He’s by your side,
Just call on His name, let His love be your guide.

[Chorus]
Reach out to Jesus, He’s waiting for you,
His arms are wide open, His love is so true.
No matter the struggle, no matter the pain,
Reach out to Jesus, He’ll heal you again.

[Verse 2]
When the nights are lonely, and you can’t find your way,
When the darkness surrounds you, and you can’t see the day,
Lift up your eyes, to the heavens above,
He’ll send down His mercy, and wrap you in love.

[Chorus]
Reach out to Jesus, He’s waiting for you,
His arms are wide open, His love is so true.
No matter the struggle, no matter the pain,
Reach out to Jesus, He’ll heal you again.

[Bridge]
Oh, He walks on the water, He calms every sea,
He speaks to the mountains, and sets captives free.
No valley too deep, no burden too wide,
Reach out to Jesus, He’s right by your side.

[Chorus]
Reach out to Jesus, He’s waiting for you,
His arms are wide open, His love is so true.
No matter the struggle, no matter the pain,
Reach out to Jesus, He’ll heal you again.

[Outro]
Oh, reach out to Jesus, just call on His name,
He’ll carry you through, He’ll break every chain.
In His perfect love, you’ll find peace again,
Reach out to Jesus, your Savior, your friend.

Tell Me You Love Me

Tell me you love me,
Without words
Or even a look.

Tell me,
Telepathically,
Words drifting through the air.

Do you love me?
Let me feel it
Deep within.

Experience
Your heart
Against mine.

One breath
One beat
One touch.

Tell me.

---

This poem centers on the yearning for a deeper, almost spiritual connection that transcends verbal or physical expression. Let’s break it down thematically, structurally, and emotionally.

Themes:

1. Nonverbal Communication: The speaker desires to experience love in a way that goes beyond the limitations of language or outward expressions. They ask for love to be conveyed without “words” or “a look,” suggesting a need for something more profound and intuitive.
2. Telepathy and Connection: The use of “telepathically” emphasizes a wish for an unspoken, mental or emotional connection, where feelings are understood on a deeper level, without needing to be articulated. This implies that true love exists not just in speech or gestures but in a shared emotional and spiritual bond.
3. Embodied Experience of Love: The speaker wants to “feel it deep within” and experience “one breath, one beat, one touch,” which shows the desire for love to be felt physically and emotionally in a unifying way. This reflects a longing for intimacy that is both internal and external, connecting two individuals as if they are one.

Structure:

The poem is composed of short, fragmented lines, reflecting the delicate, intimate nature of the speaker’s plea. The simplicity of the structure mirrors the simplicity of the speaker’s desire—love stripped down to its most essential form. The repetition of “tell me” bookends the poem, creating a cyclical sense of longing that both begins and ends the poem.

Emotion and Tone:

The tone of the poem is vulnerable and intimate, with the speaker exposing their need for validation and reassurance of love. The repetition of “Tell me” conveys a subtle desperation, while the desire for unspoken love hints at an underlying fear—perhaps the fear that spoken words won’t be enough, or that the words might not even exist to fully express this deep connection.

The poem’s progression from “telepathically” to “one breath, one beat, one touch” represents a movement from the abstract to the physical, showing that while the speaker craves a connection beyond the tangible, they still long for that closeness to manifest in a real, tangible way.

Imagery and Symbolism:

• Telepathic love symbolizes the speaker’s idealization of a perfect, wordless connection. It’s love that exists beyond superficial means of communication.
• Breath, beat, touch evokes a sense of unity, as if two people could become one. These symbols are sensory and suggest that love is something to be both felt internally and shared physically.

Conclusion:

The poem captures the essence of love as something felt deeply and instinctively, rather than spoken. It’s about craving a connection that words can’t fully capture, where love is experienced as a mutual, silent understanding. Through its minimalist language and gentle tone, the poem conveys a poignant desire for an intimate, almost metaphysical bond.

You did it again.
You let them in.
You keep making the unforgivable sin.

You never learn do you?
Where this will lead?

You’ll end up being the downfall of misdeeds.

You realize every time your hands bleed.

Leave it behind!
I’ve told you again,
You’ve caused this tempest to begin.

You idiotic fool.
You see what you’ve done.
Here your sanity lay, stunned.

Feel the rage, running wild, she’s out again.

She breaks free when you try to make amends.

I tried to warn you but you will again see.
The alter ego surface.
And the ferocity that be.

You made her vulnerable
Trapping her in this living hell.
You know that time will tell.

Prowling, you set her free.
Not only that, but you gave her the key.

This poem, titled “Naivety,” explores themes of self-betrayal, inner conflict, and the unleashing of one’s darker side. Let’s break it down:

1. Tone and Mood
   Tone: The tone is accusatory and filled with frustration. The speaker seems to be addressing either themselves or an aspect of themselves, with a tone of reprimand, as if chastising for repeatedly making the same mistake.
   Mood: The mood evokes a sense of dread, regret, and tension. The repetitive mistakes and their consequences create a cycle of emotional turmoil.
2. Themes
   Self-sabotage and Guilt: The speaker repeatedly addresses themselves for making an “unforgivable sin,” suggesting deep self-sabotage. The guilt is palpable, as each decision leads to more harm.
   Inner Conflict and Duality: There is a clear internal struggle, indicated by references to an “alter ego” and rage. This suggests a split in the speaker’s psyche, where one part seeks peace, while another part—fueled by rage or impulse—undoes any attempt at reconciliation.
   Loss of Control: The repeated use of words like “rage” and “ferocity” suggests the speaker feels helpless in controlling this darker side, which seems to emerge in moments of vulnerability.
3. Imagery and Symbolism
   “Hands bleed” – This could symbolize the personal harm caused by the speaker’s actions. The metaphorical bleeding shows the physical and emotional pain the speaker experiences.
   “Tempest” – The storm imagery represents the emotional chaos that is unleashed due to these repeated mistakes, possibly symbolizing anger or frustration.
   “Rage, running wild” – This personifies the internal anger, which is depicted as uncontrollable, like a wild force that escapes when the speaker tries to make amends.
   “Alter ego” – This suggests the speaker’s darker or suppressed side that surfaces in moments of weakness. It points to a duality, where the speaker’s “naivety” continually leads to this side being unleashed.
   “Key” – The key symbolizes agency and responsibility. By giving “her” (the alter ego) the key, the speaker acknowledges their role in enabling this darker side to escape.
4. Structure and Form
   The poem is written in free verse, allowing the speaker’s emotions to flow naturally without the constraints of rhyme or meter. This structure adds to the feeling of spontaneity and loss of control.
   The short, fragmented lines heighten the urgency and frustration, giving the reader the sense of scattered thoughts, as if the speaker is overwhelmed and unable to fully process what has happened.
5. Narrative Voice
   The speaker is likely addressing themselves or a part of themselves, creating a dialogue between their conscious self and their darker, more impulsive side. There’s a struggle between knowing what’s right and falling into the same patterns of behavior.
   The use of second person (“You did it again,” “You let them in”) adds intensity to the self-reprimand, as if the speaker is distancing themselves from their own actions in an attempt to understand them.
6. Psychological Depth
   The poem delves into the psychology of self-blame and the cyclical nature of mistakes. The speaker is aware of the consequences but seems unable to stop the repeated behavior, which suggests themes of addiction or an internal compulsion.
   The reference to the “alter ego” and “ferocity” indicates a conflict between restraint and unrestrained emotion, possibly pointing to anger management issues or unresolved trauma.
7. Interpretation
   This poem can be interpreted as an internal dialogue, where the speaker’s rational mind tries to grapple with their emotional or irrational self. It might reflect feelings of regret over decisions or behavior that lead to personal or relational turmoil.
   The title “Naivety” suggests that despite the repeated mistakes, the speaker still struggles with a kind of innocence or idealism, which allows them to fall into the same traps. It could be the naïve belief that things will turn out differently each time, despite past experiences.

Conclusion
“Naivety” speaks to the human experience of making mistakes and facing the consequences, while also battling with oneself to break free from destructive patterns.

Beneath the Surface
9-9-24

The irony smell of the residue of blood.
The primal hunger that fuels it all.
A prison hidden deep within the earth.
A cave of sorts, unexplored by all.

Drip drip goes the ceiling to the floor.
Slime, a perfect catastrophe to fall.
You’ll become prey to behold.
And be counted as one of the many tragedies.

Claw marks scar the rocky walls.
Indented deep, over years of being mauled.
Years of being trapped in this prison.
Has created a monster that is anger driven.

Lockets and pendants of those left behind.
Those that never again, saw a ray of sunshine.

The damp smell, of musty rain.
The darkness and its ever looming strain.
All the bones of the ones years past.
And not long, did any of them last.

Hear a rumble in the shadows.
And hear a blood curdling scream.
The warnings of their ghosts.
See the fanged teeth that gleam.
And the stalker eyes that glow in the night
Leave behind your hearts plight.

The monster isn’t only predatory, it’s also a parasite.

Once you’re beaten and broken.
It will suck out all of your life.
Feeding off of your light.

See everyone fall to the depths of the lies.
And witness your soul being sucked dry.