3:43 minutes

Poetry by Jade Rawlings


Tell me about your existence,

Do you shine or do you sear?

Melt the wings from my back,

Just to feel your warmth,

To love you is to hurt,

To lose you is to die,

Tell me a secret,

Any secret,

Whisper in my ear,

“It burns, it burns, it burns

To exist from nothing,

The breath of god;

A spoken word,

It burns.”



How come,
I can sit on the floor
Of a dirty bathroom,
And convince a stranger with a knife shes pretty?
She’s beautiful,
She is worthy of love.
Her bloody arms in my hands,
As i rinse them with sink water.
Pull out the band-aids from my purse,
Scribble the number of a suicide helpline on her notebook.

Those words refuse to be spoken to a mirror.
Why can i help everyone but myself?

How come i can stay up all night with a friend
and convince her to believe in something bigger than herself,
That there is a meaning behind all of her struggle,
Crafted by the hands of a God
She was made on purpose with purpose,
I watch her almost glow as she emerges from
Her backyard pool,
Baptized at 3 AM.

Where is my faith when i need it most?
Why can i help everyone but myself?

How come i can stand up for the girl
Being kicked in the back of the school,
Get in the faces of her bullies and tell them where to shove it,
Help her off her feet,
Walk her to the nurses office,
hold her hand while she calls her parents crying.

Why do i let him hurt me?
Why can i help everyone but myself?

BENEXUS episode 10 – Jungle Dream

14:53 minutes


“Oh, Iah. The blinkin’ red light is on!” Driver said pointing at the console.

What?,” Iyo said. The red light only ever lit as an emergency alarm. Sometimes a yellow light blinked if sensors detected motion. But the red light never blinked.

What does it mean?” Driver asked.

Iyo scanned the surface images from the periscope. A young woman sprinted through the ruins, hefting a bundle in her arms.

She’s got a baby,” Iyo said.

That’s no baby. It’s too big. Must be a wounded soldier,” Driver replied.

Iyo frowned at his little brother and nodded. “You’re right. Let’s signal her.”

What’s she running from?”

Iyo examined the screen. “I dunno.” He twisted the knobs. The woman wore hard to identify desert coverings.

She’s marathoned wearing desert clothes,” Iyo muttered, “–from way past the desert ledge.”

An enormous robotic monster burst through the crumbling wall behind her. Old stone crumbled to the ground. The young woman curled her body around her bundle. Small shards of rubble danced across her back.

Oh man,” Iyo breathed. “Driver, you see her braids?”

Driver was silent.

The mark of a royal bodyguard,” Iyo thought. The mechanical beast stopped. The statuesque girl stood resolute and still. Flawless. The girl stared up like a boxer at the machine’s pilot. The spindly vehicle stood twenty Imperial units above the ground.

Robot’s royal origin, too – from the markings,” Iyo said.

Behind the deadly machine, the crumbling wall cracked and broke again. A small troop of Queen’s Bloodguard poured out with bayonet rifles gleaming

The bodyguard lowered her held bundle to the ground. The Bloodguard’s rifles raised up. Her palms went up in surrender. The enemy weapons trained on her. A Bloodguard tossed a pair of shackles toward her. They clanked on the hard surface.

Shoot the mechanical,” Driver said pointing at the robot.

OK,” Iyo said. The defense guns up top swiveled under his command. He targeted the large machine beast. His steady hand squeezed the trigger. Iyo anticipated an explosion.

The projectile ricocheted off the wall behind The Bloodguard.

“Direct miss,” breathed Iyo.

The braided bodyguard seized the nearest distracted man. She whipped him in front of her pushing him as a shield while charging the rest. Her rapid punches and kicks toppled armored guards like limp dolls. Seven lay on the surface. The fight was over fast.

Whoa,” Driver exclaimed — saying what Iyo was thinking. The girl tore away her desert disguise, revealing a blue officer’s uniform. Blue like the flag of Shiloh. As the loose material fell, it caught on the golden hilt of a hidden sword. She drew the sword from its scabbard – and rushed the vehicle. The robot scuttled away from her crab-like on four multi-jointed legs. The girl pounced forward with new energy slicing through a metal robot limb.

Whoa!” Driver repeated. The walker’s automatic guns fired spasmodically. The rounds getting closer to the bodyguard. She rolled underneath the machine and skewered the front end. Black lubricant spilled out like gored blood. The frantic pilot maneuvered the mechanical beast. In one slice, she hacked off the front two legs and slid back to her bundle. The mechanical beast toppled forward cracking onto its head. A puff of vapor filed the pilot chamber. Then flamed.

Driver, give her a signal,” Iyo barked. Driver flicked a switch and looked into the periscope. A laser dot blipped to life in front of the bodyguard. She froze. But then relaxed, if the laser light was hostile she knew she’d already be dead. She scooped up her protected bundle. Driver spun the dot – a Scarab rebel-militia signal. The sign said, friend. Her shoulders relaxed as she sheathed her sword. She looked for the unseen source.

Show her where we are,” Iyo said. Driver moved the joystick in a more jagged movement meaning underground. The bodyguard furrowed her eyebrows and looked around again.

I don’t think she’s Scarab,” Driver muttered.

Yeah,” Iyo said. “Try something more public.”

Driver signed for food then pointed at a maintenance cover. The young woman didn’t hesitate. She pulled the lid cover off with little difficulty. Tired, but strong. Something only years of training could do to you.

Ok, she’s coming,” Iyo stood up, hands sweaty. “It’s OK. Driver, run to the mess hall. Get people prepping the medics station.”

Yes-sir!” Driver grabbed his bag and ran down a short hallway to an elevator. Iyo headed in the opposite direction towards the entrance of their hidden bunker. Dim lights and creeping wall moisture gave the hallway a green other-world color. He sputtered to a halt as he reached the ladder. The bodyguard dropped to the ground, bundle held in one hand, long five-barrel pistol in the other. Iyo suspected she was a blonde on the night vision screen. But standing before him in living-color was a redhead. A tall muscular redhead holding a gun.

State your name and rank,” She said and cocked the pistol hammer. And that’s when Iyo felt deep trouble. Her beautiful voice sent his heart into a flurry. He cleared his throat.

Forward Scout Iyo of the Scarab militia,” He said, straightening up. “Also an enemy of Queen Lamia and the Bloodguard.”

I know what the Scarab militia is,” The bodyguard said, not lowering her gun.

I sent another scout to prep the med room,” Iyo said embarrassed. Of course, she knew what the Scarab militia was.

Lead the way… Iyo.”

I’m unarmed,” He said raising his hands in surrender. “You don’t have to point that thing at me.”

She hesitated.

I saw you take down seventeen guys and a giant robot, you don’t need a gun. You could kill me with your ankles,” Iyo said.

She smirked then released the hammer and stuffed the pistol into a holster at her back. “Does that intimidate you?” she said.

He was silent – love struck.

She wrinkled her nose. And sneered.

You Belong

2:53 minutes

When I heard that my first day was dawning

When I saw the morning clouds falling

When the stars of the nighttime were fading

You were there with me

In my mind

OOh OOh oo

You’re my everything

now you’re gone

voyager with air

Now I’m in despair

Why does life have to be so unfair?

I would wait for you

my whole life long

Oh why won’t you say

you belong

The Library

2:47 minutes

you wear the smell of death and rage like perfume,
he smells like an abandoned library,
a grand piano in the corner,
you long to run your fingers over the keys,
but would the blood on your hands taint its beauty?
there is sort of a soft cider in his eyes,
the kind you sip by a fire,
listen to it crackle,
it brings soft memories,
yours rumble a warning.
the sky is darkening,
there’s a storm brewing somewhere
off the corners of the map of the world,
if he is a star, then you never knew they had flavor,
they taste like ambition,
and ancient wisdom,
but what does that make you?
some sort of abyss?
and what if he finds your darkness beautiful?
what then?


Bring blue skies back
show me around
perfect imperfection
shed your skin
show me
help me now.

I lay my burden down
time moves alarmed
nothing sets me free
like your creativity
You’re home to me.

Exciting journey
Timely untamed
Miracle reflection
Hold me tight
knife my pillow
in the night.

Alone together
stunning electric
energy angel
be happy too
diamond shining.

Do you think of me?
I won’t lie to you
sweet breathing
walk through my door
touch my mind
feel the hush?

focus on me
soul heartbeat
rescue me
love your company.


3:47 minutes


is there solace in idle conviction?

what brought us here to begin with?

among the ruins of a crippled empire,

our fingers scramble at crumbs of redemption,

hand bruised and bleeding,

the blood under my nails will stain, and collect,

we aren’t heroes any longer,

were we ever?

tragedy’s of firelight and flesh,

hands like these, they shake, fingers twitch

they remember what they’ve done,

knuckles of spite,

nails splintered,

unholy sacraments of broken bodies,

watch our fathers shake fickle fists at calloused deities,

watch our mothers fold flags with their trembling fingers,

what use do we have for feeble hymns of wasted faith?

our names written in sordid songs of feeble glory,

but look at us,

look at us.

our hands ready the cannons,

they clutch our dying brothers,

our fingers pull the triggers,

they bury our friends,

these hands, these hands,

they remember.



4:48 minutes

In Spanish, you don’t play a guitar. You touch it (tocar).

Now if you feel that you can’t go on
Because all of your hope is gone
And your life is filled with much confusion
Until happiness is just an illusion
And your world around is crumbling down, darlin’

Come on girl reach on out for me
Reach out for me
I’ll be there with a love that will shelter you
I’ll be there with a love that will see you through

When you feel lost and about to give up
‘Cause your best just ain’t good enough
And you feel the world has grown cold
And you’re drifting out all on your own
And you need a hand to hold, darlin’

Come on girl, reach out for me
Reach out for me
I’ll be there to love and comfort you
And I’ll be there to cherish and care for you

I can tell the way you hang your head
You’re not in love now, now you’re afraid
And through your tears you look around
But there’s no peace of mind to be found
I know what you’re thinking
You’re a loner, no love of your own, but darling

Come on girl reach out for me
Reach out, just look over your shoulder
I’ll be there to give you all the love you need
And I’ll be there you can always depend on me
I’ll be there

Baby Teeth

3:57 minutes

i cant find my baby teeth,

they might be in the walls,

next to all my skeletons,

my collections getting tall,

is that bleach or is that blood?

open up my memory it starts to flood,

doesn’t matter what you find,

i wake up with a cleaner mind,

someday somehow well be fine,

you only love me half the time,

am i supposed to be alright?

i toss and turn throughout the night

take my fluoxitine

make sure my mind is clean,

i cant find my baby teeth,

i cant find my baby teeth


4:07 minutes


So listen to me now
I’m not gonna stand here when my friend’s down and out
I’m not gonna run when it’s hard to figure it all out
If there’s anything I’d say, I will tell you right now

You’re not alone, you’re not alone, you’re not alone
You’re not alone, you’re not alone, you’re not alone
You’re not alone, you’re not alone, you’re not alone
You’re not alone, you’re not alone, you’re not alone

Listen to me now
Listen to me now!
O-o-o-o-oh, o-o-o-o-oh
O-o-o-o-oh, o-o-o-o-oh!

You’re not alone, you’re not alone, you’re not alone
You’re not alone, you’re not alone, you’re not alone
You’re not alone, you’re not alone, you’re not alone
You’re not alone, you’re not alone, you’re not alone